Saturday, December 31, 2005

Star Wars and the end of a relationship

I have just broken up with EJ. I am extremely upset about it. Why is it that people always assume that the only good reason for a break-up is because the other person cheated or did something equally deplorable? The truth is that EJ is a great guy. And he did not do anything wrong. Call it what you will: mistaken identity, bad timing... I am myself a little uncertain as to the precise reasons. I know relationships are not easy, and that you have to work at them... but I don't believe they should be an everyday struggle. I had to ask myself if I was settling... and I realized that if you have to ask yourself that question, then you've probably already answered it.

I would also like to defend all of the dumpers out there. Why is it that people assume that when the dumpee has not done anything wrong, that the dumper must be some sort of sadistic, horrible person? (Okay, there are some sadistic, horrible dumpers out there, I do not defend them). However, I do not get my kicks from causing other people pain. And truthfully, I find that dumping someone is harder than getting dumped. I know that the relationship where I got dumped was short-lived (and the guy never really did stop dating his former girlfriend, so can we really call that a relationship?), but it still stung when he ditched me. But it's nowhere near how horrible I felt, feel, and will feel for a long time about telling my best friend that I didn't love him the way he needed to be loved. Being a dumper is about taking responsibility for your life and your relationship and saying, "This isn't working, and as painful as it will be, it will be better to be apart than it will be to stay together." Being a dumper is making a decision, a horrible painful decision that you know you may regret, and you know will certainly cause you and someone you care about pain...

But enough about possibly the worst New Year's Eve in history. I would now like to direct all of you to a site where you can download the latest installment in the Star Wars Saga:
Revelations, Episode 3.5(?) (It takes place after Revenge of the Sith, and before A New Hope)

This may be old news to some as it's been out since spring of this year, but for those of you who haven't yet indulged, I suggest you have a taste. What do I think of it? Well, it's hard to say. It was a very low budget production, all of the people involved were volunteers and no one got paid, so you obviously can't compare it to the original six. Still, I'd say the visuals are impressive for an amateur crew and the plot line definitely has potential, although I'd say that they didn't (or more accurately couldn't) explore either the characters or the plot to their fullest depth in the approximately 40-minute film. I don't want to give it away, but they find out that there was a secret sect of jedi within the jedi that hunted down failed paduans. Hello! Big news! But they don't really get to dwell on the magnitude of their discovery. The action scenes (after seeing the amazing antics of the Jedi in Episodes 2 and 3) are, how shall I say it... lacking, but I imagine they couldn't afford stunt doubles. :o)

In conclusion, see it and tell me what you all think.


Anonymous said...

Until I was a dumper, I didn't know how much it could suck - in some ways, more than being dumped, because you feel all the guilt.

As much as I like both you and EJ, if you weren't feeling it, it was time to end it. I hope you can get things to the point where you can be friends again.

take there still that really good fudge place in the Jaw? I would start there.


Ash said...


librarychik said...

Oh man! Yeah, it really does suck, but when you know you have done the right thing for yourself, and EJ too, you don t need to justify. I am with ya honey...

Anonymous said...

"Being a dumper is about taking responsibility for your life"--
very well said.

i broke someone's heart once, and it sucked, but it gave me my life back, and his, too.

good luck with your new adventure. it looks like you've got lots of support.


Puddleglum said...

I'm here for ya buddy...ending a relationship of that magnitude, even when done for the right reasons, is painful for both parties...let me know how you're doing!
XOX and sisterly love

Puddleglum said...

I quite enjoyed episode 3.5. Someone should take that plot and develop it into a full blown movie...I wanna know more!

Anonymous said...

"I find that dumping someone is harder than getting dumped."

What?!?! Are you kidding me? Is this even reality anymore, cause it doesnt seem like it. How the hell can hearing from someone that you love AND discuss marriage with, that they don't love you, be easier than telling someone (who you DON'T love) that you don't love them anymore? In serious relationships, the dumper ALWAYS has the better end of the stick than the dumpee. Always. The dumper usually has this planned for atleast a few days, and the dumpee basically gets dumped on.

I have dumped before and I have no qualms that after the change of lifestyle, my life was much better for it. That is why you dump people. You can see a better life without them. Otherwise you would not dump them. There is no magical poetic justice in dumping. It is what it is. It is not worth analyzing because there is nothing to analyze. Dumper always has it better than the dumpee, ESPECIALLY if the dumper does not love the dumpee.

And whats with December 30th?!??! Is it a full moon or something? Anyways...

Anonymous said...

Yo Anonymous: Has it ever occured to you that Violette just might be a bit of a different person from what you are? That for her...hurting someone she cares about might actually be more difficult than taking the pain herself? There are people like this in the world and I'm very sorry for you that you have not run into one...or are so disenfranchised that you can't believe they exist. Must be Karma. Please think before you say something hurtful to a fellow blogger who has just put her emotions out on www. Your comments might be affecting someone who has obviously just experienced a rough couple of weeks. Screw you.

Violette said...

Well thank you everyone for your kind words. And thanks for coming to my defense, Anonymous #2, but don't worry. I knew what I was doing when I blogged about my breakup. To Anonymous #1: I am not saying it doesn't suck for the person who gets dumped. It does. But the dumper is the one who takes responsibility for the ending of the relationship, and therefore, as pointed out by Pants, feels all of the guilt and anxiety. The dumpee on the other hand has not been responsible for the end of the relationship, and therefore does not get to agonize over whether or not they did the right thing. Also, they can get really mad at the dumper, and say "Oh what a jerk they are". And I think that sort of helps protect against some of the pain. The only person I can get mad at is myself.

And December 30th? I don't know... It's a sucky time of year for a break-up. I didn't plan it that way for symmetry's sake or anything.

Anonymous said...

Actually Anon #2, I think that the dumper and I have a lot in common in terms of personality. True, the dec 30 was just a random shot, more for shock value, but just a shot. All I am saying is when you take control to end a relationship, usually, the person on the other end suffers a lot more than the dumper simply because they usually do not know why it ended. And not knowing why can be very frustrating as it is difficult to move on. Now, this case is different cause I think the dumpee knew why, but you have to understand, the dumper usually has this planned for atleast a little bit in advance. The dumpee gets the big surprise. And believe me the dumpee wants to make it work, but usually does not know what to do to make it work. Frustrating and sad. I know that in this case the dumper wanted to make this work as well but could not. Sometimes it just doesnt work.

And yes, I did think about the words I was going to say. I am 100% sure it probably hurts for the dumper, but Im pretty sure that in almost all cases, it hurts more for the dumpee. Thats all Im saying.

I realize the dumper would definately feel guilt and anxiety for hurting probably their best friend, but man, the dumpee loved the dumper. The dumper's heart I am sure is hurt no doubts, but the dumpee's heart is broken. Guilt disseminates quickly from the validation of the right choice. But wondering what you could have done to make it work lasts a bit longer. And most know that the dumpee in this case would never say oh what a jerk just cause that is not how the dumpee is, and yea, I know the dumper knows that. I think the dumpee (and this is my opinion) has a realistic view of what happened and just wishes it could have worked out for the best, but at the same time knows that the dumper is still looking for that elusive *something* in their life, and therefore things change (and believe me I know what it feels like to not know where you are in life). Again, strictly my opinion on that one. Don't want to put words in people's mouths, just my opinion. But to let the dumper know, the dumpee is going to be ok ofcourse. DOn't fret... too much ;)

The rest was for shock value. Plus, I was pretty sure the dumper could take an honest opinion (as well as some shots). Were the shots needed? No. But heck, why not. Usually blogs are so full of people simply agreeing with the poster, and saying whatever the poster wants to here. Most will see the side of the poster and agree with it, maybe not 100% but they'll agree. Atleast from what Ive seen anyways. Why not insert some criticism, some things to ponder rather than constant and consistent agreement.

Take note: "I knew what I was doing when I blogged about my breakup" Yup, I most certainly believe you did. I am pretty sure you were probably expecting some of this.

At any rate, here's to the both of you moving on and feeling better. Im hoping 2 months, 3 months tops for the EJ! Hopefully not 7+ years... ;)